I have shared so many stories about Doug's and my struggle with infertility and our journey to Briana on this blog, but this is a story that I haven't shared and I'm not really sure why. I guess because it all happened before I started blogging and I just never thought to share it. But it has been almost five years, so I guess I will share the story now.
I'm sure a few of you remember that there was a theory out in the "rumor-verse" several years ago that the number of dossiers to China spiked in mid to late 2005 because of a show that Oprah Winfrey did with Lisa Ling that aired on December 2, 2004. Lisa Ling discussed her documentary "
China's Lost Girls." I believe people called that spike in China adoptions the "The Oprah Effect." I'm not really sure if the spike was directly related to that show or not, but I have to say that I am one of the people whose life changed because of that show. Now may I say for the record, I do tune into Oprah time and again, but I do not watch the show religiously and did not back then either.
Doug and I had finished our fourth and final IUI about a month before. We were in discussions to move forward with IVF and had decided to take some time off for the holidays before we delved into the next big step of trying to start a family. It was 4PM on December 2, 2004, and I was about to decorate our Christmas tree. Doug was at work. I had the day off from work and was home alone. I was very, VERY sad. It was going to be yet another childless Christmas for us, and the thought of decorating that tree for me was almost unbearable. Every year (as a child and as an adult), I would turn on Christmas music while I decorated the tree. Every. Single. Year. But that year, I just didn't feel like it. Instead, I turned on Oprah for something interesting to listen to and started decorating. I listened as I decorated. And then - I stopped in my tracks. I put down the ornaments and started watching. I don't know what it was, but I felt like there was a reason that I was supposed to be watching that show on that day at that time. I felt tears running down my face. I had been so focused on starting our family in the way I
thought we were supposed to, and I had not opened my mind or heart to another possibility. A possibility that I was not familiar with. A wonderful possibility. Until that day - my day of enlightenment.
At that time, Doug and I had already discussed and agreed on attempting IVF. But Doug would have moved directly to adoption. How do I know? Once I saw that Oprah episode, I told Doug about it and what my feelings were. Then he told me something. He said that about a month earlier, he had a dream. Doug rarely has dreams, and when he does, he never remembers what they were about when he wakes. But this particular dream he did remember. He dreamed about a young Asian girl, about 8 years old, playing our piano in our living room. He felt like it was our daughter. I was stunned.
I still felt compelled to try the IVF first, and Doug completely supported me. Once I set my mind on something, I need to see it through. But the whole time we were doing the IVF, I couldn't shake the feeling that we were maybe supposed to be on another path. And when the IVF failed, I was of course deeply saddened but not completely devastated. When my doctor called me to discuss options (he wanted us to try again), I told him thank you but NO. We were done and we knew what we were supposed to do. I started researching international adoption. One month after the failed IVF, Doug and I had an application in our hands for China adoption. We never looked back and now we have our precious Briana with us.
There are times I say to myself, "Now why didn't you consider adoption sooner?" and "Why were you so stinking stubborn?" But if the timing had been any different, then we wouldn't have our Briana with us today. I truly believe Briana, Doug and I were meant to be together. Do I wish that she didn't have to go through the trauma that she had to endure before she came into our lives? Absolutely. But sadly it did happen. I am grateful that Doug and I were the ones that were chosen and blessed to go through life with this amazing girl as our daughter. The girl with the bright spark and big smile.
Was it God's hand? Was it fate or destiny? Were we receiving signs? Was everything just "meant to be?" Was it luck? Was it good fortune? Was it all of the above? All I know is that when I look at my daughter, the one thing I know for sure is that it was a miracle.
[Oh, and thanks Oprah. :)]
I have been waiting for this vacation for as long as I can remember. I cannot wait to see Disney World through the eyes of my three year old. There were times I didn't know if this moment would ever come, but it is here and I'm going to love every second of it. And tomorrow, our vacation starts. We had a wonderful vacation last year at this time - it was a dream come true. And now our Disney vacation dream is coming true. I feel I need to pinch myself.
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